Friday, December 31, 2010

In 2011...

I want to will:

Remember who my real friends are.
Forget those who aren't.
Get at least decent grades in my college classes.
Lose ten pounds.
Find a real best friend.
Travel somewhere.
Stop being ashamed of what I've done.

Be happy.


There is no reason to like her,
And even more reason to dislike her.
So why does he love her?

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Just because.

Just because I will, doesn't mean I should.
Just because I should, doesn't mean I will.
Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to.
Just because I want to, doesn't mean I can.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I'm absolutely terrified of what might happen if you ever leave me.

Simply you.


Someone on SMITH had the wonderful idea to create a compilation of the community- backstories, poetry, and conversations. I thought it was a wonderful idea and decided to contribute my backstory. It may not be as heartrenching as some of them may be, but it's my story. And I've decided to share it with you guys.

Where do I even start? I suppose it makes sense to start from the beginning, right? Well, I'm an only child, always have been, always will be. There have been many times where I wished I had a sibling or two, but my mom had complications with her second pregnancy and can no longer have children. But I've found sibling replacements. My little sister is my neighbor who I've known since I was five and she was three. We played together almost every day during the summer and have endless memories. But since she went to the Catholic school and I went to the public school, we had different school lives. We would always get into fights that lasted all of about five hours and then we'd go back to being best friends. And that's still how we are. I also have a surrogate older brother who I can talk to about pretty much anything.
I remember in kindergarten seeing a particular girl and saying "I want to be her friend" and lo and behold, we became best friends. I considered her my best friend all the way up until high school, but again, that comes later. During our best friend years, we did pretty much everything together from vacations to sleepovers to birthday parties to halloween and everything in between.
Now, I could never say truthfully that I am good with dates and timelines and the like. So I'll just throw this part in here, since I'm not entirely sure where each fit in with the sequencing of my life. I have dealt with a fair amount of death in my 18 years.
First was my cousin. I remember my mom getting the call in the middle of the night saying that she had been in a car crash. She had been with her older sister's boyfriend and a few other people going to a party. They got into a crash and her sister's boyfriend died on the scene, my cousin died later at the hospital. I remember the funeral, or rather the part before the funeral looking at the caskets. I couldn't quite understand why they were closed. She was only fifteen. I only have two or three real memories of her.
Then my neighbor. He was walking on the road coming home from (or going to, I don't quite remember) a friend's house. A drunk driver hit him and sent him flying into the ditch. The cross was there for years. Me and my sister got on the bus at the same stop as him and he was always nicer than his brother, letting us go ahead of him. I remember his wake and how I didn't cry until we got to the casket. His face was black and blue and he had on his black shirt with flames on it. I burst into tears and his mother held me until I calmed down. He was only fifteen too.
Then my aunt. I don't remember a whole lot about this death, but I know she had a brain tumor. I think she may have had a stroke or two too. What I remember most about her is her garden and her artisticness. Whenever we went to visit her, we always walked around her garden. It was so pretty, I could walk around there forever or just sit and watch the fish in the coy pond. She was a quilter and a potter. She helped me make a pot or two and I remember all the women working on the giant picture quilt we made for Grandma and Grandpa for their aniversary.
Then my Grandpa. He was always the quiet one and I never really connected with him. He sat on the couch, doing word searches, smoking his pipe, and watching tv. I was always excited when he went to bed or took his nap because that was when I got control of the tv and they had cable and we didn't. What a self centered little girl I was. He died of a heart attack. The ambulance was actually called for my Gandma but he was the one who went in and eventually died. She died last year, but I'll get to that later.
So I had to deal with a lot of death. But to be honest, I wasn't super close with any of these people. So none of it affected me particularly a lot.
So I'm about up till high school. This is when my best friend and I started to drift apart. A new girl had come to school and we befriended her. She seemed nice enough and I liked her. But as high school went on, those two started to ignore me. They were both loud and outgoing, while I was the quiet reserved one.
When this started happening in 9th grade, I started to try to find a new best friend. I found a guy who I really got along with and could tell pretty much anything to. The only thing was he was sort of into bad stuff like drinking and pot and whatnot. He wanted us to date, and I told him I would only if he didn't do any of that stuff. He promised he wouldn't, so we tried dating. But we were from different worlds, and he broke it off because of it. We stayed friends, but it was never the same. He's since fallen deeper into the bad stuff, and I pray that he finds his way out.
Here's where it starts to get confusing, so I will use initials. Then at the end of freshman year, I started talking to a new guy, S. He was a year older than me, but he liked me and I liked him. So we dated for three and a half months. I was happy at the beginning. But then everything started to go wrong. I have absolutely no idea why to this day, but I didn't want to be alone with him. I would make excuses and we'd get in fights. I decided to end it before he could, but that hardly solved my problems. I still liked him. We almost got back together winter of my sophomore year, but he didn't want that. He didn't like me like that anymore. Except for the physical part. We still messed around and I went with it because it was better than nothing. I thought I loved him and started to get obsessed. We fought all the time and I thought I was getting depressed, though I was never diagnosed.
I tried to get over him by getting a new boyfriend, D. It worked for a little while, but my mind kept going back to S. I convinced myself that I needed closure and cheated on D. I couldn't live with myself knowing what I did and broke it off with D, hurting both him and myself.
A lot of stuff was going on in my life at this point. The whole losing my long-time best friend thing, the S thing, the supposed depression, my sister was starting to get into drinking and the like, I was struggling with my faith, and my family was having financial troubles because my dad was losing his jobs. My Grandma died on Valentine's Day of pancreatic cancer and I never got to say goodbye to her. I was putting on a mask at school, pretending to be who I thought they wanted to see. There was one night in the summer that I drank at D's house. Not enough to get drunk, just tipsy. I regretted it the next day.
One night on impulse took a mechanical pencil to my arm. I listened to the same song nineteen times, all the while scratching at my arm, trying to draw blood. It sort of worked, glistening with blood, but not dripping like I wanted. I texted my friend and she convinced me to stop. I told S because I thought he'd pay attention to me and care like I wanted him to. Instead of caring, he got mad and pushed me away again. I was sick of him treating me like shit and tried multiple times to rid myself of him, but always went back.
I was starting to find better friends. They liked me for me and included me, unlike my other friends. I grew particularly close to one, J, and we tried dating, though it didn't work out. We both agreed that we should have stayed friends and he is now my best friend. He's struggling with depression and I try to be there for him however I can.
S is now in college, and I have virtually deleted him from my life. I unfollowed his twitter, deleted his number from my phone, and unfriended him on facebook. I'm friends with his new girlfriend but do not associate with him. When I am forced to spend time with him through our mutual friends, I simply ignore him like he did me for so long.
I have an amazing boyfriend, A, who is better to me than S ever was. I have better friends and can deal with my feelings more constructively through writing and talking to my boyfriend. I have constant fears that no one really likes me and A and I will end up like S and I did, but I'm working through those. I may not have the highest self esteem and sometimes I think about not eating to cut down on my weight, but most of the time I'm content with myself. I'm starting college in the fall at my first choice school, and I couldn't be more excited to start new.
So there's my story. It's very long and probably not super interesting, but it's my story.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Just something I came up with while listening to classical piano music with a blizzard outside.

I sat like those girls in movies when they’re in a cabin alone in the middle of winter (who really does that, anyway?), sideways and with my knees pulled up and my feet covered with the end of my favorite blanket. I even had the steaming mug of the perfect blend of hot chocolate and coffee, which I kept steady in one hand while pulling the blanket closer around my narrow shoulders.

I took a sip and sighed, laying my head on the back of the chair and gazing out of the window. Snow swirled and fell, engulfing the already hidden landscape in more powdery whiteness. Normally, I would have one of my various leather bound books on my lap; right now I’m working on Pride and Prejudice for the second time. But not today, today wasn’t a day for reading.

Normally, on a day like today, Zac would be sitting on the floor, leaning against my chair and reading his own book, which was usually a fantasy novel of some sort. But to completely honest, I wasn’t sure where Zac was. All I knew was that he wasn’t with me. Which, to be completely honest again, made me slightly uneasy.

Times like this were when the feeling came creeping back. That feeling deep in my chest that felt like someone were dunking some secret part of me in ice water and burning it with a cigar at the same time. That feeling that keeps growing and I can’t quite shake until he’s near again.

Some people may think that feeling is creepy and clingy, but I disagree. I tend to think of it as love. Not feeling quite right unless that person is there and being able to look into their eyes and know that’s exactly where you should be for the rest of forever, that’s what I think love is.

I must have been too engrossed in my thoughts to hear Zac get home, which is odd because I usually pick up on every little noise in our house. I jumped slightly when I felt his hands on my shoulders but relaxed as that feeling of ice water and cigar burns melted away.

“Beautiful day for thinking, isn’t it?”

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas and music.

So I got a $30 Barnes and Noble gift card yesterday at my family Christmas (although it was a late birthday present) and decided to get CDs I've been wanting for a while instead of books (because I have a long list of To-Read books that I already own and just haven't gotten around to reading quite yet). I was expecting to only get one or two (because I also have a $15 gift card) cause CDs are usually like $20 right? So I went online and, to my surprise and delight, found that the three CDs I wanted were all $10 or less! So I bought all three and didn't even have to use the other gift card.

It's the little things.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Battle wounds from lost wars.
Reminders of the pain.
The pain that was too much to bear.
Advertisements of the past.
Underneath it all are more.
Deeper than before.
Seeping down to the soul.
Eventually showing themselves.
The most painful of all.
The world is full of them.

I wrote that quite a while ago, as in May. I can't remember exactly what it's about, but I have a pretty good idea. It involves someone I really don't want to talk about right now.

But anyway.. I have scars, like anyone else. There are scars on my knees when I tripped while running to see my cousin play softball and falling on my bike. There are muliple scars on my hands from various paper cuts and scratches that I was too lazy to medicate. There is one on my forearm that I gave myself. I also consider a past relationship a scar on my heart and all of my bad experiences scars on my brain.

I'm not ashamed of any of these scars, though. They make me who I am.

Right now I'm in an independent study for art, and the next project I'll be working on is a series of x-ray type paintings. I've chosen four areas of the body to paint. Hand, knee, skull, and chest. If anyone asks me what they mean, I'll likely say I just liked the x-ray look and chose parts that looked fun to paint/generic body parts. But I'll let you guys in on a secret (if you haven't guessed already). They're places where I have scars. I'm painting them to remind me of where I've been and that I don't need to be ashamed.

Don't let your scars bind you.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Pictures and thoughts, pictures and thoughts take two.

Fancy handwriting with quill and ink on parchment makes my heart happy.
This is one of my most favorite movies of all time.
I really dislike it when people say this to me. It sounds insincere and like what I feel doesn't matter.
Sometimes the best therapy is blocking out reality with music.
Everything Toy Story related reminds me of his new girlfriend and it still stings a little.
I'm actually a pterodactyl. I also want this sign.
Favorite moment in this entire movie although his hair looks incredibly stupid gelled like that.

I have no idea what this is but it's adorable.

Sucky days and days of old.

Today is a sucky day. Tons of snow and strong winds and the inability to go see my boyfriend. I miss him like crazy and have been pretty silent toward my parents cause I'm pissed. Why does Minnesota have to be so bitchy in the weather department?

But even though today sucks, it's way better than those days of old when even though the weather cooperated. Those days when I felt like this all the time; being super quiet at home and wanting to get out of a prison.

But that prison wasn't my house in a snow storm. It was my head. I couldn't escape the terrible thoughts that plagued me day and night, tearing my insides apart.

Today is better becaue I have him. Even through the distance, he makes me feel better. Even though I can't get out of here, I still have something to look forward to tomorrow. He's amazing enough to make these days worth it.

Even on the sucky days like today, I'm happier than the days of old.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Superheroes and villains.

This is just adorable.

Spider-man has always been my favorite superhero though. Granted, I haven't read any of the comics or seen the movies of many other superheroes, but I still enjoy Spider-man. Gotta love the nerdy guy who gets his powers by chance and is in love with the girl-next-door.

I've always had that secret fascination with superheroes. I should really read the actual comics or watch more of the movies, so I could actually really know what I'm talking about, but the whole concept of people whose whole mission is to help others intrigues me, to be that selfless.

Everyone always says that everyday heroes are the people who are police officers or firemen and the like. But when I think of who my heroes are, my friends come to mind. They are some of the most amazing people ever, putting the needs of others before their own. Always willing to help, even when they themselves need it. Every one of them have helped me in my journey through life and I thank each and every one of them.

But in a world where there are superheroes, there must be villains, right? The one that immediately comes to my mind is the Joker. I was first introduced to him by the wonderful Heath Ledger. But the Joker is one of the more inventive super villains in my mind. He thinks through his attacks and executes them with such attention to detail and care. He has a wide range of weapons, too. What with the bladed playing cards, exploding pies, Joker venom and the like.

So that means there has to be real world villains too, right? You betcha. There are the infamous ones like Hitler and Osama and the rest. But again, I think of people in my own life. The people who have made me hurt, the ones who have caused me more pain than I could manage at the time. The methods differed, yet always left me bleeding, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.

In all the comic books, the superheroes prevail and beat out the villains. Sometimes the villains are caught and put behind bars or are killed, but there are also the times when they get away, just to come back later with new ideas. And so it is in life. My superheroes have saved me from my villains who have been called out or just disappeared. There will always be more villains for me to face, but there will always be my superheroes to come to my rescue.

As for right now, all is well in my little life.

Monday, December 6, 2010

This is what you make me feel like when we aren't together.

Let it happen.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about myself. Not self-centeredly and not disregarding others. Just reflecting on who I've become. I've decided I've really started finding who I truly am.

I'm not super outgoing. I'm not loud upon first meeting. I don't go clubbing, drink, smoke, or do drugs. I tend to get quiet in situations that make me uncomfortable. I've stopped hanging out with people my own age. I still get jealous easily and have to fight myself not to say things that I know will get me in trouble in some way or another. I have low self esteem and get self conscious when I'm around girls I think are gorgeous and have perfect bodies. When I need to most, I can't understand that people actually care about me.

But I can be loud and random after getting to know someone. The people my own age quit including me, and the younger ones do, so why would I waste my time on people just because they're the same age as me? I tend to write and paint a lot, and mess around on my guitars. I watch weird movies and like weird music. There are times where I think I'm pretty and skinny.

I really do think I've changed from the person I used to be. Maybe not a whole lot, but I have. What has changed me? Past relationships that have taught me what I do and do not need, friends who have shown their indifference and those who have shown they actually care, and a boyfriend who I trust with my life and care about more than anything who reminds me that I deserve to be happy.

So if you feel like you're changing, remember it might be for the best. I know I'm much happier than I was.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dance like in movies.

You know how in movies when guys ask girls to dance and they get down on one knee, she offers him her hand, and he kisses it? Well, that happened to me last night. Granted, he's like one of my best friends, but still. It made me pretty happy. I love dancing. I may not be very good at it, but I still like it. And I'm not talking about grinding and that kind of "dancing". I suppose you could call what we did last night swing dancing. Maybe even ballroom dancing (which I would like to learn how to actually do someday). It is so much more fun. I would like to do that again. But I would like my boyfriend to be there, not just my best guy friends.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Pictures and thoughts, pictures and thoughts.

 I. Want. This. Necklace.

 I do not enjoy tea, but I do enjoy this ring.

I love making blanket forts and would like to do it more often.
 I adore city skylines but I don't think I could ever live in a city.
The only christmas lights I like are the plain white ones. The other ones look tacky. And it's worse when they blink.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Which one?

Do I only get to choose one? Well then, I choose to get excited and make things. Obviously.

Watch. Learn. Love.

^^ This video has restored my faith in today's pop culture scene.

That girl and me.

I want to be that girl. That girl who knows what she's doing. That girl who can wear whatever she wants and look good doing it. That girl who doesn't care what other people think. That girl who does whatever she feels like, just because. I want to be that girl.

But I'm not that girl. I'm a girl who can't figure out what she wants half the time. I'm a girl who wishes she could pull off the latest fashions but when she tries them on and looks in the mirror, only sees a little girl playing dress up. I'm a girl who won't do what she truly wants because she's afraid people will judge her.

Maybe someday I'll be that girl.

But for now, I'll keep on being who I am. Keep obsessing over Harry Potter and Jake Gyllenhaal. Keep watching movies and listening to music no one has heard of. Keep painting my nails bright red, gray, yellow, brown, and mint green. Keep wearing skinny jeans, converse, and t-shirts. Keep playing my guitar and attempting to write songs. And I'll keep trying to figure out who I am.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

We're in Life's hands.

Life shakes us up and pushes us down. Life demands of us what we are uncomfortable with. Over time, Life breaks off the pieces of us that are unnecessary. They may have been needed at one point, but no longer.

I, like any other, have gone through these trials and tribulations thanks to Life. What have I lost? I've lost my cousin, grandma, grandpa, aunt, and neighbor. I've lost the security I had in traditions. I've lost best friends and boyfriends. I've lost my self control and self esteem. I've even lost my self respect for a time.

But all that I've lost has given light to what I've gained and retained. I've gained better friends and an amazing boyfriend. I've gained an ability to appreciate others' struggles and to handle my own better. I've gained a better understanding of who I am and what I want to do with my life. I've retained some past friendships and my strong family ties. I've retained the small things that bring me happiness.

Life knocks all of us around sometimes. But what we gotta remember is that Life only has our best interests in mind. Its goal is to make us into better people, which sometimes means breaking off what we may think is important. But Life knows what is truly important.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Just beneath the surface.

Today, I was reminded of how little I know about a lot of people.

Granted, I've never really talked to this girl before, but she showed me, and a bunch of other people she barely knows, a side of her very few people have seen.

You see, I am part of this thing called TEC (Teens Encounter Christ) which is a weekend (next weekend, to be exact) where we try to show God's love to teenagers. Over the weekend, teens (me being one of them) give "talks" where we talk about what we've been through and our faith. Today, one of the girls gave her practice talk. I was blown away by her courage.

She revealed that she is terrified of commuincating with most people, be it public speaking or simply giving directions. And here she is, standing in front of a room of people, some she doesn't really know, talking about herself. She rarely talks about her feelings with anyone. Her voice trembling, she said quietly that she turns to self harm when she's upset. The few sentences leading up to that confession, I knew it was coming. I felt my heart tug and I wanted to go up there and give her a hug (which I did afterward).

She reminded me that everyone goes through things I have _no idea_ about and sometimes the people who seem happy and carefree, are carrying the heaviest burdens.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tonight confirmed everything.

Tonight I went to the school play with my mom. I saw my old friends across the auditorium, talking and laughing. It broke my heart for a second to realize that I'm no longer part of them. Granted, I never really was, but still. They were still there.

This year, I'm figuring out my life. Some may say Senior year may be too late to figure out your high school life. I say it's a jumping point for my college life. I've found friends that care about me for me and actually want me around. They may be a grade or two younger, but who cares?

Sometimes I expect my old friends to ask why I've stopped hanging out with them. But no, not a word. It almost confirms my constant fears that no one likes me or really cares. You know what? I don't need you guys. I can be perfectly happy without you.

I'm not completely used to these new friendships quite yet. We talk and laugh and I feel included. They make an effort to talk to me between classes.

What the hell have I been doing for the past three years? Why didn't I figure this out earlier?

This just made me smile.

You can't tell me who I am.

I'm more academically inclined than athletically inclined.
I'd pick some quirky/dark/show tune movie over a chick flick any day.
I'd rather eat a brownie than get on the elliptical.
I care about how I look but don't spend an hour on it everyday.
I hang out with people younger than me because they actually care about me rather than the jerks in my grade.
I'd rather give someone something than get something because it makes me feel awkward.
I prefer obscure bands to mainstream radio music.
I'd rather lay in the grass and star gaze than go clubbing.
I am me and you can either accept me or not, I really don't care. Because I'm happy with my life.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Stolen Romances. (A song by yours truly)

Verse One
When I was 13
My mother told me
Not to doubt.
A boy would come
To show
What life's about.
The boys, they stole my heart,
The boys, they ripped me apart,
Over and over again.
But I stayed strong,
And life carried on.

Oh I've tried and I've tried
And I've tried and I've tried
To figure out
What I'm feelin' inside.
I look at you
And see twirl around dances,
And stolen romances,
Pickin' guitars,
Gettin' lost in our cars,
Holdin' your hand,
Fallin' from laughin' so hard.
But most of all,
I see what I've been missin'.

Verse Two:
When I was 15
My father told me
Not to fear.
A boy would come
To hold
Me safe and dear.
The boys, the've come and gone,
The boys, the've all moved on,
Over and over again.
But I stayed strong,
And life carried on.


Verse 3:
When I was 18
My boyfriend told me
Not to cry.
He'd be there
To always
Dry my eyes.
This boy, he's always there,
This boy, I know he cares,
I'll never need them again.
Cause I have you,
And life carries on.


When I look at you,
I see what I've been missing.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Amazing day spent with amazing friends.

Today there was no school. And it was one of the best days I have ever had. All spent with my amazing new friends:

-Guitar shopping
-Bought an electric-actoustic
-Noodles and Company
-Getting kinda lost but having fun anyway
-Jamming on guitars
-Walking around town aimlessly
-Getting coffee and sitting by the river
-Making a giant leaf pile
-Watching my friend jump into it from a tree
-And then watching him break that tree
-Drawing a collab picture
-Haunted House practice
-Going around town in full costumes
-Eating at Applebee's in full costumes
-Watching half of The Fourth Kind
-Really long shower to get all the fake blood off

Ahhh my life is looking up. I am so excited for next week, you don't even know :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

You make my heart flutter.

"Sometimes I think we'd be really good together." I sent the message tentatively, wishing immediately after that I hadn't. We'd been talking about relationships and how much we each wanted one but couldn't be with the people we liked.

"We might be. I just don't know if it would work right now since I can't drive. I'm a really touchy feely person so it's hard to live a little ways apart." Well... that wasn't what I was expecting. The only reason why we can't is cause you can't drive? So in like two months when you can we can try? I sure hope so, cause I quite enjoy being with you and I think we'd be pretty dang good together.

"Ah yes, the distance is killer. And some people might think the age difference is a little weird. But I don't care. It doesn't seem like you're two years younger than me when we hang out." Two years might not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but in high school, two years is everything. And of course, it isn't a big deal when the guy is older, but when the girl is, well, you better look out for gossip.

"Haha I don't really care what other people think. I do what I want. And I don't either except for the fact that you always have to drive." I would like to say that I don't really care what others think either, but the fact is, I kinda do. I'm getting better though. If you wanna date, I'm all for it. Who cares what people think? And darling, I don't mind driving half an hour if it means I can be with you.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I love this.

"Believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else." - Kobi Yamada

Today, yesterday, Friday.

Today I felt fat.
Today I felt untrustworthy.
Today I felt useless.
Today I felt annoying.
Today I didn't feel like socializing much.
Today I felt deep concern.
Today I didn't feel much of anything.
Yesterday was much like today.
Friday I felt happy.
Friday I felt wanted.
Friday I felt included.
Friday I felt pretty.
Friday I felt normal.
Friday I felt more like myself.
Friday was much better than today.
I decided people would be surprised to learn what I feel.

A little bit stronger.

Woke up late today,
and I could still feel the sting of pain,
but I brushed my teeth anyway.
Got dressed through the mess, and
put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work,
and I try to soothe all the hurt.
There's a song on the radio,
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.

And I'm not hoping we can work it out.
I'm done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I'm not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn't happen overnight.
But you turn around and a months gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour, or a second,
or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

Getting along without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

That kind of love.

That is the kind of love I want. I want that "I-can't-sleep-without-you" "Then-I'll-be-here" kind of love. I want to know that no matter what, I'm loved and wanted. That I'm the first person he wants to please and be with. That is what I want.
*Inspired by Grey's Anatomy.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Tear

The mask slips a fraction of an inch
A tear slides down her cheek
It all comes tumbling down.

Everything she worked to build up
The time she spent perfecting
The facade she presented the world.

The trail left by a single tear
Revealed so much once kept hidden
A thin window into a world below.

There are scars on her wrist
And her heart
Marks left from a lost love.

There is poison in her veins
And her brain
An attempt to stop the pain.

There is an emptiness in her stomach
And her soul
Product of wanting to please them.

She frantically tries to repair her mask
To stitch up the laceration
To go back to pretending.

Monday, October 4, 2010

To the girl who laughs at bullying.

Oh how you've changed. Once someone I stayed up for hours talking to, is now a reckless stranger. Maybe it was her, maybe when you broke up with him. Whatever the catalyst, you've changed. I remember when you first came here and I didn't like you much. Hate to say it, but I'm leaning that way again. You stole my best friend. Granted, we may have never had the friendship you have now, but she was still my best friend. And how you're acting now, I don't even get it. According to her, since you broke up with him, you're doing all this stuff with all these different guys. Concerts, dates, flirting, friends with benefits. You're leading them all on and soon your choices are gonna backfire. Being tall, skinny, blond, and beautiful doesn't justify your actions. I find it interesting the dynamices between us. Both only children, yet your parents are controlling and you go against them all the time. I guess I hope you're happy?


To the girl who says she's my best friend.

You really piss me off sometimes. When it's her birthday, she gets four presents, a surprise party, and the Renaissance, not to mention the balloons in her car. What it's my birthday, what do I get? Absolutely nothing. I thought we were friends. Thanks for not inviting me and rubbing it in all day long. It does wonders for my self esteem and making me feel welcome. All you're doing is reinforcing my fears that no one likes me. Thanks for nothing.


To the boy who loves musicals.

The distance, the age difference, the seperate lives. I can't figure out if I like you or not. If I don't, then it's all good. The distance, the age difference, the seperate lives just don't matter as much. But if I do, that makes things complicated. The distance, the age difference, the seperate lives hurt me. I don't see you as often as I like. Right now, two years is too much. When you talk about girls you like, my heart sinks a little. But you're one of my best friends. I'm not going to jeopordize tht. Not now. I'l just wait and see. Maybe someday we can be something more.


To the boy who broke my heart and walked away.

Fantasies of falling back into your arms have changed to walking away and leaving you broken. If by some miracle you someday want me back, you can't have me. I'm deleting you from my life, and I don't want to reverse that process. The wounds are slowly healing and I sure as hell don't need you opening them again. I want you to experience the terrible pain that you caused me, but chances are that you won't. So you know what? Have a nice live and leave me alone. And know that if you don't, I'm not going to be nice about it.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

My guitar case is covered in quotes and stickers.

My iPod is filled with screamo, alt rock, country, power-pop, and showtunes.

My notebook is filled with lyrics and poetry.

My life is filled with music.

Something I wrote for school

The School Psychologist Didn't Understand

            Isn’t it her job to understand me? Isn’t that what the school is paying her to do? Then why doesn’t she get what I’m saying? She keeps thinking that there’s this big underlying reason for my frequent daydreaming. Like I was abused as a kid and it’s how I get away from my terrible reality. She thinks I’m crazy because I prefer to live in my head and that reality makes me feel suffocated. Well guess what, I think she’s crazy because she thinks I’m crazy. I’m perfectly normal. I just like the world in my head more than reality. Where do I go, you ask? Well, let me tell you about my little fantasy world.
            Whenever I don’t particularly like the real world and the people (they’re the ones who should be seeing the shrink), I close my eyes and let go. In my mind I soar high above my body and out the window. As I fly to my sanctuary free of doubt, the sky steadily grows darker until I am bathed in velvet night thick as eternity. For some reason, night is more comforting to me. The rhythm of the stars calms my soul and the crisp air makes me feel alive. Some people feel relaxed by stepping into a warm bath, right? Well, I unwind in the crisp night air.
            I hit the ground lightly and start running on grass softer than goose down. I run but never get out of breath. That’s one of the wonders of daydreaming. You can do whatever you want, no matter how improbable. Everywhere I go here, I can smell freshly mown grass, even though the meadow is always long and luscious. I run and run, jumping over a sparkling stream or two, until I reach my hill.
            On my hill stands a single oak tree taller than any you’ve ever seen. Depending on what I feel, my tree changes to accommodate my needs. Sometimes there’s a swing hanging from a thick branch. I can get high enough that I can almost touch the leaves. The wind rushes past me, imitating the feeling you might get by running your fingertips on satin fabric. Sometimes I just sit under the intertwining branches and listen to the wind blowing through my tree. Sometimes I climb the thick trunk of my oak tree and sit in the branches, eating sugary sweet fruit. Oak trees don’t have fruit, you say? Maybe not in your world.
            Unless someone shakes me from my reverie, I stay until morning. Sitting with my back against the sturdy trunk, flying high on my swing, or perched high in the branches, I watch the dawn’s unfurling mist sweep across the valley. The vibrant colors of morning paint themselves across the sky, each morning revealing a different picture. Painters, poets, and writers would be jealous of my safe haven and its beauty, were they to know about it. But I’m the only one who knows its true beauty.
            After the sunrise, I always make myself return to my body. Most of the time I’ve missed something someone has deemed important, but I don’t care. Until they send me to this little room with the lady who’s supposed to know what’s going on in my head. Then I get upset because she doesn’t get me and everyone thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not.