Dance like in movies.

You know how in movies when guys ask girls to dance and they get down on one knee, she offers him her hand, and he kisses it? Well, that happened to me last night. Granted, he's like one of my best friends, but still. It made me pretty happy. I love dancing. I may not be very good at it, but I still like it. And I'm not talking about grinding and that kind of "dancing". I suppose you could call what we did last night swing dancing. Maybe even ballroom dancing (which I would like to learn how to actually do someday). It is so much more fun. I would like to do that again. But I would like my boyfriend to be there, not just my best guy friends.

Pictures and thoughts, pictures and thoughts.

 I. Want. This. Necklace.

 I do not enjoy tea, but I do enjoy this ring.

















I love making blanket forts and would like to do it more often.

 I adore city skylines but I don't think I could ever live in a city.

The only christmas lights I like are the plain white ones. The other ones look tacky. And it's worse when they blink.

Which one?

Do I only get to choose one? Well then, I choose to get excited and make things. Obviously.

Watch. Learn. Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

^^ This video has restored my faith in today's pop culture scene.

That girl and me.

I want to be that girl. That girl who knows what she's doing. That girl who can wear whatever she wants and look good doing it. That girl who doesn't care what other people think. That girl who does whatever she feels like, just because. I want to be that girl.

But I'm not that girl. I'm a girl who can't figure out what she wants half the time. I'm a girl who wishes she could pull off the latest fashions but when she tries them on and looks in the mirror, only sees a little girl playing dress up. I'm a girl who won't do what she truly wants because she's afraid people will judge her.

Maybe someday I'll be that girl.

But for now, I'll keep on being who I am. Keep obsessing over Harry Potter and Jake Gyllenhaal. Keep watching movies and listening to music no one has heard of. Keep painting my nails bright red, gray, yellow, brown, and mint green. Keep wearing skinny jeans, converse, and t-shirts. Keep playing my guitar and attempting to write songs. And I'll keep trying to figure out who I am.

We're in Life's hands.

Life shakes us up and pushes us down. Life demands of us what we are uncomfortable with. Over time, Life breaks off the pieces of us that are unnecessary. They may have been needed at one point, but no longer.

I, like any other, have gone through these trials and tribulations thanks to Life. What have I lost? I've lost my cousin, grandma, grandpa, aunt, and neighbor. I've lost the security I had in traditions. I've lost best friends and boyfriends. I've lost my self control and self esteem. I've even lost my self respect for a time.

But all that I've lost has given light to what I've gained and retained. I've gained better friends and an amazing boyfriend. I've gained an ability to appreciate others' struggles and to handle my own better. I've gained a better understanding of who I am and what I want to do with my life. I've retained some past friendships and my strong family ties. I've retained the small things that bring me happiness.

Life knocks all of us around sometimes. But what we gotta remember is that Life only has our best interests in mind. Its goal is to make us into better people, which sometimes means breaking off what we may think is important. But Life knows what is truly important.

Just beneath the surface.

Today, I was reminded of how little I know about a lot of people.

Granted, I've never really talked to this girl before, but she showed me, and a bunch of other people she barely knows, a side of her very few people have seen.

You see, I am part of this thing called TEC (Teens Encounter Christ) which is a weekend (next weekend, to be exact) where we try to show God's love to teenagers. Over the weekend, teens (me being one of them) give "talks" where we talk about what we've been through and our faith. Today, one of the girls gave her practice talk. I was blown away by her courage.

She revealed that she is terrified of commuincating with most people, be it public speaking or simply giving directions. And here she is, standing in front of a room of people, some she doesn't really know, talking about herself. She rarely talks about her feelings with anyone. Her voice trembling, she said quietly that she turns to self harm when she's upset. The few sentences leading up to that confession, I knew it was coming. I felt my heart tug and I wanted to go up there and give her a hug (which I did afterward).

She reminded me that everyone goes through things I have _no idea_ about and sometimes the people who seem happy and carefree, are carrying the heaviest burdens.

Tonight confirmed everything.

Tonight I went to the school play with my mom. I saw my old friends across the auditorium, talking and laughing. It broke my heart for a second to realize that I'm no longer part of them. Granted, I never really was, but still. They were still there.

This year, I'm figuring out my life. Some may say Senior year may be too late to figure out your high school life. I say it's a jumping point for my college life. I've found friends that care about me for me and actually want me around. They may be a grade or two younger, but who cares?

Sometimes I expect my old friends to ask why I've stopped hanging out with them. But no, not a word. It almost confirms my constant fears that no one likes me or really cares. You know what? I don't need you guys. I can be perfectly happy without you.

I'm not completely used to these new friendships quite yet. We talk and laugh and I feel included. They make an effort to talk to me between classes.

What the hell have I been doing for the past three years? Why didn't I figure this out earlier?

This just made me smile.

You can't tell me who I am.

I'm more academically inclined than athletically inclined.
I'd pick some quirky/dark/show tune movie over a chick flick any day.
I'd rather eat a brownie than get on the elliptical.
I care about how I look but don't spend an hour on it everyday.
I hang out with people younger than me because they actually care about me rather than the jerks in my grade.
I'd rather give someone something than get something because it makes me feel awkward.
I prefer obscure bands to mainstream radio music.
I'd rather lay in the grass and star gaze than go clubbing.
I am me and you can either accept me or not, I really don't care. Because I'm happy with my life.