Friday, October 22, 2010

Stolen Romances. (A song by yours truly)

Verse One
When I was 13
My mother told me
Not to doubt.
A boy would come
To show
What life's about.
The boys, they stole my heart,
The boys, they ripped me apart,
Over and over again.
But I stayed strong,
And life carried on.

Oh I've tried and I've tried
And I've tried and I've tried
To figure out
What I'm feelin' inside.
I look at you
And see twirl around dances,
And stolen romances,
Pickin' guitars,
Gettin' lost in our cars,
Holdin' your hand,
Fallin' from laughin' so hard.
But most of all,
I see what I've been missin'.

Verse Two:
When I was 15
My father told me
Not to fear.
A boy would come
To hold
Me safe and dear.
The boys, the've come and gone,
The boys, the've all moved on,
Over and over again.
But I stayed strong,
And life carried on.


Verse 3:
When I was 18
My boyfriend told me
Not to cry.
He'd be there
To always
Dry my eyes.
This boy, he's always there,
This boy, I know he cares,
I'll never need them again.
Cause I have you,
And life carries on.


When I look at you,
I see what I've been missing.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Amazing day spent with amazing friends.

Today there was no school. And it was one of the best days I have ever had. All spent with my amazing new friends:

-Guitar shopping
-Bought an electric-actoustic
-Noodles and Company
-Getting kinda lost but having fun anyway
-Jamming on guitars
-Walking around town aimlessly
-Getting coffee and sitting by the river
-Making a giant leaf pile
-Watching my friend jump into it from a tree
-And then watching him break that tree
-Drawing a collab picture
-Haunted House practice
-Going around town in full costumes
-Eating at Applebee's in full costumes
-Watching half of The Fourth Kind
-Really long shower to get all the fake blood off

Ahhh my life is looking up. I am so excited for next week, you don't even know :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

You make my heart flutter.

"Sometimes I think we'd be really good together." I sent the message tentatively, wishing immediately after that I hadn't. We'd been talking about relationships and how much we each wanted one but couldn't be with the people we liked.

"We might be. I just don't know if it would work right now since I can't drive. I'm a really touchy feely person so it's hard to live a little ways apart." Well... that wasn't what I was expecting. The only reason why we can't is cause you can't drive? So in like two months when you can we can try? I sure hope so, cause I quite enjoy being with you and I think we'd be pretty dang good together.

"Ah yes, the distance is killer. And some people might think the age difference is a little weird. But I don't care. It doesn't seem like you're two years younger than me when we hang out." Two years might not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but in high school, two years is everything. And of course, it isn't a big deal when the guy is older, but when the girl is, well, you better look out for gossip.

"Haha I don't really care what other people think. I do what I want. And I don't either except for the fact that you always have to drive." I would like to say that I don't really care what others think either, but the fact is, I kinda do. I'm getting better though. If you wanna date, I'm all for it. Who cares what people think? And darling, I don't mind driving half an hour if it means I can be with you.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I love this.

"Believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else." - Kobi Yamada

Today, yesterday, Friday.

Today I felt fat.
Today I felt untrustworthy.
Today I felt useless.
Today I felt annoying.
Today I didn't feel like socializing much.
Today I felt deep concern.
Today I didn't feel much of anything.
Yesterday was much like today.
Friday I felt happy.
Friday I felt wanted.
Friday I felt included.
Friday I felt pretty.
Friday I felt normal.
Friday I felt more like myself.
Friday was much better than today.
I decided people would be surprised to learn what I feel.

A little bit stronger.

Woke up late today,
and I could still feel the sting of pain,
but I brushed my teeth anyway.
Got dressed through the mess, and
put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work,
and I try to soothe all the hurt.
There's a song on the radio,
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.

And I'm not hoping we can work it out.
I'm done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I'm not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn't happen overnight.
But you turn around and a months gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour, or a second,
or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

Getting along without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

That kind of love.

That is the kind of love I want. I want that "I-can't-sleep-without-you" "Then-I'll-be-here" kind of love. I want to know that no matter what, I'm loved and wanted. That I'm the first person he wants to please and be with. That is what I want.
*Inspired by Grey's Anatomy.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Tear

The mask slips a fraction of an inch
A tear slides down her cheek
It all comes tumbling down.

Everything she worked to build up
The time she spent perfecting
The facade she presented the world.

The trail left by a single tear
Revealed so much once kept hidden
A thin window into a world below.

There are scars on her wrist
And her heart
Marks left from a lost love.

There is poison in her veins
And her brain
An attempt to stop the pain.

There is an emptiness in her stomach
And her soul
Product of wanting to please them.

She frantically tries to repair her mask
To stitch up the laceration
To go back to pretending.

Monday, October 4, 2010

To the girl who laughs at bullying.

Oh how you've changed. Once someone I stayed up for hours talking to, is now a reckless stranger. Maybe it was her, maybe when you broke up with him. Whatever the catalyst, you've changed. I remember when you first came here and I didn't like you much. Hate to say it, but I'm leaning that way again. You stole my best friend. Granted, we may have never had the friendship you have now, but she was still my best friend. And how you're acting now, I don't even get it. According to her, since you broke up with him, you're doing all this stuff with all these different guys. Concerts, dates, flirting, friends with benefits. You're leading them all on and soon your choices are gonna backfire. Being tall, skinny, blond, and beautiful doesn't justify your actions. I find it interesting the dynamices between us. Both only children, yet your parents are controlling and you go against them all the time. I guess I hope you're happy?


To the girl who says she's my best friend.

You really piss me off sometimes. When it's her birthday, she gets four presents, a surprise party, and the Renaissance, not to mention the balloons in her car. What it's my birthday, what do I get? Absolutely nothing. I thought we were friends. Thanks for not inviting me and rubbing it in all day long. It does wonders for my self esteem and making me feel welcome. All you're doing is reinforcing my fears that no one likes me. Thanks for nothing.


To the boy who loves musicals.

The distance, the age difference, the seperate lives. I can't figure out if I like you or not. If I don't, then it's all good. The distance, the age difference, the seperate lives just don't matter as much. But if I do, that makes things complicated. The distance, the age difference, the seperate lives hurt me. I don't see you as often as I like. Right now, two years is too much. When you talk about girls you like, my heart sinks a little. But you're one of my best friends. I'm not going to jeopordize tht. Not now. I'l just wait and see. Maybe someday we can be something more.


To the boy who broke my heart and walked away.

Fantasies of falling back into your arms have changed to walking away and leaving you broken. If by some miracle you someday want me back, you can't have me. I'm deleting you from my life, and I don't want to reverse that process. The wounds are slowly healing and I sure as hell don't need you opening them again. I want you to experience the terrible pain that you caused me, but chances are that you won't. So you know what? Have a nice live and leave me alone. And know that if you don't, I'm not going to be nice about it.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

My guitar case is covered in quotes and stickers.

My iPod is filled with screamo, alt rock, country, power-pop, and showtunes.

My notebook is filled with lyrics and poetry.

My life is filled with music.

Something I wrote for school

The School Psychologist Didn't Understand

            Isn’t it her job to understand me? Isn’t that what the school is paying her to do? Then why doesn’t she get what I’m saying? She keeps thinking that there’s this big underlying reason for my frequent daydreaming. Like I was abused as a kid and it’s how I get away from my terrible reality. She thinks I’m crazy because I prefer to live in my head and that reality makes me feel suffocated. Well guess what, I think she’s crazy because she thinks I’m crazy. I’m perfectly normal. I just like the world in my head more than reality. Where do I go, you ask? Well, let me tell you about my little fantasy world.
            Whenever I don’t particularly like the real world and the people (they’re the ones who should be seeing the shrink), I close my eyes and let go. In my mind I soar high above my body and out the window. As I fly to my sanctuary free of doubt, the sky steadily grows darker until I am bathed in velvet night thick as eternity. For some reason, night is more comforting to me. The rhythm of the stars calms my soul and the crisp air makes me feel alive. Some people feel relaxed by stepping into a warm bath, right? Well, I unwind in the crisp night air.
            I hit the ground lightly and start running on grass softer than goose down. I run but never get out of breath. That’s one of the wonders of daydreaming. You can do whatever you want, no matter how improbable. Everywhere I go here, I can smell freshly mown grass, even though the meadow is always long and luscious. I run and run, jumping over a sparkling stream or two, until I reach my hill.
            On my hill stands a single oak tree taller than any you’ve ever seen. Depending on what I feel, my tree changes to accommodate my needs. Sometimes there’s a swing hanging from a thick branch. I can get high enough that I can almost touch the leaves. The wind rushes past me, imitating the feeling you might get by running your fingertips on satin fabric. Sometimes I just sit under the intertwining branches and listen to the wind blowing through my tree. Sometimes I climb the thick trunk of my oak tree and sit in the branches, eating sugary sweet fruit. Oak trees don’t have fruit, you say? Maybe not in your world.
            Unless someone shakes me from my reverie, I stay until morning. Sitting with my back against the sturdy trunk, flying high on my swing, or perched high in the branches, I watch the dawn’s unfurling mist sweep across the valley. The vibrant colors of morning paint themselves across the sky, each morning revealing a different picture. Painters, poets, and writers would be jealous of my safe haven and its beauty, were they to know about it. But I’m the only one who knows its true beauty.
            After the sunrise, I always make myself return to my body. Most of the time I’ve missed something someone has deemed important, but I don’t care. Until they send me to this little room with the lady who’s supposed to know what’s going on in my head. Then I get upset because she doesn’t get me and everyone thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not.