An occurance that made me sad.

Today I was babysitting these two little girls who go to my church. One is 7 and the other is 5. We were watching a movie and they weren't paying attention and were doing something I can't remember, when the 5 year old pulled up her shirt for some reason I cannot reacall. Her older sister said, rather matter-of-factly, "You're fat." This young girl who will be going into Kindergarten in the fall replied with a simple "I know." And let me tell you, she is definitely not fat. She just has one of those bellies that little kids have, you know?

It disgusted me that the media has infiltrated so far into our society that girls as young as 5 are aware that they may be viewed as "fat."

What is "fat" anyway? It's a word that society has linked negative connotations to and uses to make girls feel terrible about themselves who don't deserve it. I'm sick of society and the media's apparent necessity to make girls feel like they have to look a certain way to be deemed pretty.

Every girl is beautiful.

Every girl is wanted.

Every girl is loved.

(Oh and this goes for boys, too)

And now for some unrelated pictures.

Arguments, flirting, and fake friends.

I apologize for the super long post, but I needed to get this out to more than three people. If you read that entire thing, I love you.

A line from a thank you letter from my pastor (she's crazy about those things) to my parents, thanking them for me serving on the mission trip:

"She met many challenges this year - including a site that was not her first pick."

What a subtle way to say that I had to figure out how to deal with everyone talking behind my back about me and my "incessant flirting."

Here's a rundown of the drama of my final mission trip:

My old friend (a guy who I used to date but is now just my friend) came with and we talked a lot and people kept asking if there was anything going on. Of course there wasn't, cause I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything. Everyone was getting upset with us because we're super close and very comfortable with each other. So we'd sit in the back of the van with my nonbiological sister (henceforth referred to as my sister) and we'd lay on each other and fall asleep. I never thought it was a big deal because I never realized that how I was acting would come of as super flirtatious. Until my sister talked to me about it, that is. And then I felt bad, and then forgot to check how I was acting and went back to how I automatically acted around him.

I also made a new guy friend on the trip from Illinois, and felt comfortable enough with him to do things like put my legs up when we were sitting on a couch and tell him about what happened with my old best friend. My sister took this for more flirting (which, for the record, he did not), and continued to yell at me, now for flirting with two guys while having a boyfriend.

While all of this was going on, I had written my guy friend (the original source of my "flirtatious behavior") a note about how I missed talking to him (as we had grown apart over time), was happy that he's sober (he's never been exactly a "good kid"), how I was getting annoyed with how people were perceiving us, apologizing if it was coming off like I was flirting with him, and how I didn't understand why we're friends, considering how different we are. He wrote one back saying how he's gonna start talking to me more, reaffirming that he's sober, was also annoyed with people's perceptions, saying he understood that I didn't mean to be flirting, and explaining why we're friends. All seems fine and dandy in my friendship with him, right?

Apparently, he told my sister that that note I wrote was a "creepy love letter" and was in on the whole "let's talk about Avery behind her back" thing that it seemed like everyone was part of. I talked to my sister about all this and we got in a huge fight because I started getting defensive because one of my biggest fears (that people talk behind my back and fake their friendships because they hate me) was coming true. She got upset because I was getting upset, and it ended up with her calling me a whore, prick, and dumbass, and saying she wanted me out of her life.

I've gone to her house meaning to apologize and hopefully mend our broken relationship, but she wasn't home. I've tried talking to the guy, but he hasn't answered me whatsoever, so I don't even know what to do with him.

So in one sentence, my last mission trip consisted of me thinking I was getting closer to two of my best friends and then finding out that they were being fake because of my unintentional tendency to be flirtatious. Pretty great, huh?

At least my boyfriend still loves me.

A couple things.

Don’t you just love when you find out people who you thought were your friends have been talking shit behind your back for the past week?

Don’t you just love when your “sister” says you’re a whore, prick, dumbass, and tells you to stay out of her life?

Don’t you just love when your biggest fears come true?

Don’t you just love when everything was going perfect until one conversation?

Don’t you know when shit goes down over something you never tried to do and has ballooned out of your control?

Don’t you love when people don’t understand your side of the story?

Don’t you just love staying up until 2 am crying because you don’t know how to fix any of it?

Cause I don’t

Graduated.

The cards have all been opened.

The relatives have all gone home.

The cap and gown are hung up.

The diploma is in it's folder.

The grad parties have been started.

The hypnotist has entertained.

The comedians have been vulgar.

The food has been late.

The ice cream bar has been scavenged.

The henna has stained.

The boxers and tv have been won.

The students have been sufficiently sleep deprived.

The naps have been taken.

And the class of 2011 has graduated.

I still just don't know if it's hit me yet. Yeah, I've had my grad party, gone through commencement, and attended the all night senior grad party, but I don't know if I've realized that I'm actually done with high school quite yet.

I will never have to take another class in that building again. It's quite likely that I will never see those people I hung out with until five in the morning with again. I am going to college in the fall and starting a new chapter in my life, as corny and cliche as that sounds. But it's true.

Everything is changing and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it all.

If only.

If only I felt like it. If I felt beautiful without makeup, I wouldn't wear it nearly as much. Sure, I'd still play around with fun eyeshadows and such, but I wouldn't feel the need to put on eyeliner and coverup before I leave the house everyday. I wish I didn't need makeup to feel beautiful.

Tumblin

One could learn a lot about me by visitng this site and taking a look around.

http://amaijala9792.tumblr.com/

Virgo to the bone.

Absolutely. I think this sums a big part of me up quite nicely. Or rather easily, as it isn't particularly a good thing. Depending on who I'm with, I won't be myself. I have comments in my head that I won't say because I'm worried they'll dislike me for it. So I keep quiet until I'm with someone I know won't judge me or even better, when I'm by myself.

I keep things bottled up and then some days I just snap and feel like shit and then feel bad cause I vent everything to my boyfriend. I make it seem like a big deal when it really isn't. Although it is to me. Which frustrates me. That whole fact that things that really shouldn't bother me do bother me and I can't do much about it. Darn my Virgo brain.

Other Virgo qualities:

-dedicated

-reliable

-creative

-analytical

-observant

-organized

-indecisive

Sound familiar? Yeah, me too.